tart juice

Feminists have taste, too.

2009-06-14T13:00:00.000-07:00

I heard Nia Vardalos say in an interview that if audiences want to see more women in leading roles, we should see My Life in Ruins in theaters and thereby vote with our dollars. And I was all set to, until it became evident that it was going to be just another dull, prescribed rom-com. So if anyone's keeping score, my going to see Up instead shouldn't be taken as a rejection of women in movies, but more a rejection of crap in general.

Also I want her purple dress.

Things that just occurred to me

2009-06-12T15:08:00.000-07:00

Amanda Knox, the American college student on trial for murdering her roommate while studying abroad in Perugia, Italy, bears a strong resemblance to Mariel Hemingway circa 1979.

This signifies nothing except it was bothering me and I just figured it out. So...there you are.

Facepalm.

2009-06-12T13:18:00.000-07:00

Woman in coffee shop: [Talks about The Secret, the 2012 apocalypse and how "we are the Borg."]
Male companion: Hey, you're a smart little bitch!
Woman: I know.
...
Man: Women are crazy and men are stupid and simple. You look at Homer Simpson? That's every guy- every guy is just like that.

When Black Comedies Fail

2009-06-06T18:57:00.000-07:00

The Hangover review--SPOILER ALERT--SPOILER ALERT--SPOILER ALERT

Men are feral dogs...women are castrating shrews, hookers with hearts of gold, or beautiful, committed, testosterone-regulating brides...babies you find in closets don't need to eat or have their diapers changed for hours at a stretch...people who touch children are people too. As my fellow audience members erupted into perfectly-timed laughter over every penis joke, gay sex pantomime and police taser to the groin, I tried to figure out what was bothering me about The Hangover. Here's my attempt to parse it:

This movie fails because it can't decide whether it's a black comedy or a conventional bromantic comedy. The difference between the two is that in a conventional comedy, the main characters are good and you're happy when things work out in the end for them, while the jerky antagonist is dealt his crappy hand. In a black comedy, the main characters can be simultaneously awful and funny, but they reap punishment for their actions and it is acknowledged that, yes, this was bad business.

The characters in The Hangover more or less sociopathic: They steal from kids, drug each other, drive drunk, trash someone else's luxury sedan, steal a tiger and a police car, neglect and endanger a baby, get blowjobs from strangers, marry a stripper, defraud a casino, steal $80,000, joke about how Mike Tyson beats women hahahahah! and are a convicted pedophile. And in the end, they're rewarded for it. One guy gets married, one goes back to a loving wife and child, one goes unpunished for trashing his father's Mercedes, and another lashes out in a self-righteous tirade against his cruel girlfriend in an emotional crescendo intended to make the audience cheer and then gets to have sex with Roller Girl. They're left with some craaaazy awesome memories and time marches on. Even if you suspend all disbelief, it still doesn't make any sense, because the writer and director negate all the black comedy with a happy, back-to-normal mainstream ending. The lightheartedness is incongruous.

A better example of an effective black comedy is Fargo. The kidnapping scene is hilarious in its ridiculousness as the goofily-accented housewife tries to escape her pursuers, but the criminals are punished in the end, and Frances McDormand's beautifully poignant monologue as she drives one kidnapper to jail is an essential part of the narrative; she is the moral rock of the film, and she's right. In the TV show It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, the comedy is derived from the nonstop awfulness the characters inflict on each other, but nobody ever ends up happy or successful for all their selfish clawing; they are, at the end of each episode, back at zero where they started. We know they're terrible, and the universe in which the action takes place knows they're terrible. The bums lose; the bums always lose.

It's Always Sunny actually employs a dumpster baby theme in an episode, and they pull it off because while three characters attempt to use the baby for their own personal gain, another character calls Child Protective Services and they get caught. See what they did there? Dark premise, moral compass. And it's funny as hell all the way through, and was written by three guys who won a TV-show-writing contest for FX and produced on a shoestring budget.

Best moments: Zach Galifanakis' character wearing a Baby Bjorn, holding a pair of aviator sunglasses over the baby's face for an entire scene, stretching a basic sight gag into something much better. And the brief appearances of Jeffrey Tambor who, due to the lingering musk of Arrested Development and his own personal awesomeness, is an island of entertainment unto himself.

Verdict: I still don't think pedophilia is funny.

Oprah's Skepticism Fail

2009-06-04T14:15:00.000-07:00

I share Phil Plait's enjoyment of Newsweek's decision to place its criticism of Oprah's medical advice on its cover this week. The combination of Oprah's natural credulity and her desperation when it comes to health and beauty result in the promotion of some seriously wacky pseudoscience on her show, from Jenny McCarthy's paranoid and ill-informed anti-vaccination campaign to the hot new facelift technique that probably doesn't work and may or may not leave you hideously deformed. Newsweek takes issue with Oprah's failure to provide disclaimers as to the unproven, unscientific nature of the books and products she promotes and generally laments that America's richest, most powerful celebrity is, in many respects, entirely lacking in critical thinking skills.

From the article, an example of the quackery which takes place on many of Oprah's medical and self-help segments:

But [OB/GYN Dr. Christine] Northrup believes thyroid problems can also be the result of something else. As she explains in her book, "in many women, thyroid dysfunction develops because of an energy blockage in the throat region, the result of a lifetime of 'swallowing' words one is aching to say."

On the show, she told Oprah that "your body gives you signals: 'Hey, you've been putting too much stuff under the carpet ...'

Oprah: So your body ... is only manifesting what's really going on with your spirit?
Northrup: But your intellect doesn't know it. This is the important part. It's not—you're not causing this deliberately ... It's your soul bringing it to your attention.
Oprah: Right. It's your soul trying to speak to you."

I could go on and on about fad medicine, so I'll just say this: proponents of alternative medicine often lament that doctors and the government are 'in the pocket' of the pharmaceutical industry, and that vaccines and drugs are purely moneymaking schemes. Then these same people will turn around and sell you $150 colon cleanses and $500 for a month's worth of vitamins and 'bio-identical' hormones. Suzanne Somers, mentioned in the article as an Oprah favorite, takes 60 supplements per day and injects hormones into her vagina. And uhh...all that stuff's free, right?

The attention paid to mainstream medicine and science are biased only insofar as there is a bias towards truth and against misinformation; eventually, what is true bears itself out. Charlatanism has been a significant commercial enterprise since 19th century England, and for the most part, we have developed enough skepticism to protect our health, our wallets, and our herd immunity against fad 'science.'

There is a niche market for alternative medicine, and its practitioners are doing a mighty profitable business with book and supplement sales, homeopathic mixtures, and chiropractic and acupuncture treatments. There is no debate as to whether pharmaceutical companies are in it for the profits, but the same is true for the alternative medicine crowd. The difference is that one side bears the burden of scientific proof, and the other does not.

Things I Like

2009-06-01T08:54:00.000-07:00

Disney will release The Princess and the Frog, a new animated feature film this December. It takes place in New Orleans and stars Disney's first black princess. I'm looking forward to the brassy jazz soundtrack and the hand-drawn 2D animation (with digital technology for certain backgrounds and certain effects, like in Beauty and the Beast and The Little Mermaid.) I hope hand-drawing sticks around and can exist in tandem with the Pixar stuff, because it's so pretty.

Black princess? Okay, sure. But truly revolutionary would be a princess with a waistline over 23 inches.

Fellow drivers, lend me your opinions.

2009-05-29T13:14:00.000-07:00

Driving through Encinitas to my coffee shop this morning, I paused at a crosswalk and waved to a pedestrian that he should pass. This kid was about twelve, with shaggy blond hair, a sunburn, and a knit cap (it's drizzling,) your typical San Diego youth. He cheerfully waved me on but I, in my stubborn conviction that a pedestrian at a crosswalk should have the right of way (borne of so many instances of almost being run over while trying to cross Pacific Coast Highway) and since there were no cars behind me, rolled down my window and said with a smile, "dude, the pedestrian has the right of way." And he grinned and said, "it's no problem! You go." So I went.

This exchange amused me because a) it was so Encinitas (a beach community with, from my personal estimation, the highest incidence of Priuses, "Coexist" bumper stickers and yoga studios per capita in San Diego county) and b) kids are weird. But. The "you go, no you go" scenario, endemic to Southern California but certainly occurring in other regions, can get stale real fast when you're trying to get things done. Fellow drivers, what do you think of it? I think the first wave should be the final word; if I wave you on, go. Failing that, we could be there all day, competing to be the most polite and self-effacing driver on the road. And everyone knows that that title rightfully belongs to ME.

Heh.

Let's air our grievances.

2009-05-28T19:34:00.000-07:00

Today an unapologetically chipper spinning instructor inflicted strenuous exercises upon me. She played a Meatloaf song and pumped her fist in the air, and I responded to this by losing several pounds of water weight. She may have stolen a few hundred of my calories as well.

"In our own backyards."

2009-05-21T09:52:00.000-07:00

Our President:

"Nobody has ever escaped from one of our supermax prisons, which hold hundreds of convicted terrorists."

Yes. THIS. This is what needed to be said. The Harry Reids of the Senate, the histrionic propagators of exaggeration and misinformation, need to shut up and listen. Imprisoning terrorists on US soil is not tantamount to releasing them into our neighborhoods. Nobody is going to meet an Al-Qaeda operative on his way to the morning bus. They're not going to be, in the words of Oklahoma Senator James Inhofe, "turned loose."

These are crazy fucking murderous sociopaths, but they're not any more crazy, murderous, and sociopathic than many of the serial killers and terrorists we've already got under lock, key, concrete wall, barbed wire fence and gunpoint. And they're not going anywhere, either. The 90 US Senators who voted against the transfer of Guantanamo detainees to US prisons suggest to their constituents that such a situation would endanger Americans. This is ridiculous, and it's shamefully irresponsible.

Simmer down, animal.

2009-05-20T21:52:00.000-07:00

Maggie has been rather more whiny than usual lately. Perhaps she's communicating a growing dissatisfaction with her current lifestyle of eating, drinking from the pool, sleeping in the sink, and licking her own ass. Would that I could offer her an alternative, but she's suffering from a serious case of 'being a fucking cat,' so I'm inclined to think she just needs to deal with it.

Oh, Maureen Dowd. Try as you might, you just can't stop sucking.

2009-05-18T08:48:00.000-07:00

UPDATE: Ha! Glenn Greenwald also called Dowd's column "uncharacteristically cogent." And he said it an hour before I did. I swear I hadn't read Salon yet. And...I love Glenn Greenwald.

As I read the Opinion section of the NYT yesterday, I noticed that ol' MoDo's column achieved some refreshingly uncharacteristic cogency in the last few paragraphs. Good for MoDo, I thought! She managed several sentences in a row that didn't contain topical humor, pop culture references, or nicknames for Bill Clinton. Maybe I've been too harsh on her after all.

Yeah...nope. Turns out she plagiarized from Josh Marshall at Talking Points Memo. Just straight-up copied what he wrote! Oh, man.

In college I sat through many a verbal (and written) warning by my professors about plagiarism. Don't do it, they'd tell us. We have the Internet, we have databases. We will catch you, and you'll be in serious trouble. I didn't know about anyone else, but I believed them. That wasn't the only reason I never plagiarized, but it was probably what stopped a lot of other students from downloading their papers or copying from free online essays. You can't get away with this stuff anymore; the series of tubes contains the evidence of our scholastic and journalistic laziness and dishonesty.

So how dumb is Maureen Dowd? Or more importantly, how dumb does she think the Internet is?

Quote of the Day

2009-05-15T22:06:00.000-07:00

Joan Walsh

...the other GOP hypocrite has-been, Newt Gingrich, insists “the House has an absolute obligation to open an inquiry” into whether Pelosi is lying about the CIA lying to her. "I don't think the speaker of the House can lie to the country on national security matters," Newt intoned. Let’s get this straight: Gingrich and cronies oppose an investigation into whether the Bush-Cheney administration broke the laws against torture and also lied about it, but they’re pushing an investigation into whether Pelosi lied about whether the CIA lied? I see.

This is what's so insane about the Nancy Pelosi fracas: yes, she probably lied and deserves to be taken to task for it. But the reason Republicans are skewering her with such glee is that it gives them an out; they don't have to talk about the issue at hand, which is whether torture is morally wrong, whether it violates our nation's principles and blackens our reputation, or whether we should be angry that the previous administration lied and prevaricated on the subject for years. No, they just want to call Nancy Pelosi a moron and demand her resignation. Because, you know, lying is worse than...torturing and lying. Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Grand Old Party.

Thoughts on Nutritional Supplements

2009-05-14T09:53:00.000-07:00

I've often wondered if there was any truth to the oft-heard claim that certain foods and dietary supplements can "boost the immune system." And since I caught a wee cold from Ciara yesterday, I thought I'd poke around the Internets and find out. The short answer is no. The long answer is interesting. A clinical immunologist at the University of Texas points out that the descriptions of these treatments are vague to the point of meaninglessness; the claimants fail to describe which aspect of the immune system will be affected. And, he says, where the immmune system is concerned, a "boost" could be a very bad thing, if it stimulates the parts of the immune system that cause it to reject its own cells and tissues. "To indiscriminately disrupt ('boost') any part of this network," he says, "would be disastrous to the host. The concept of 'boosting' the immune system is actually part of what occurs in autoimmune diseases..."

Add this to the fact that there's no proof that megadose Vitamin C aids in the body's ability to fight off the common cold, and the dearth of evidence that echinacea and other "natural cold remedies" are effective, and those rows upon rows of vitamins at Whole Foods and your local nutrition mart begin to look like the tangible elements of a very expensive belief system where scientific evidence is trumped by the placebo effect and confirmation bias.

It's a common misconception that the average (non-pregnant, non-vegan, not severely ill) person needs dietary supplements to maintain health. People often say they take vitamins because they can't or don't want to squeeze in all those FDA-recommended fruits and vegetables into their diet. But the recommendations aren't high because they are required for adequate vitamin intake. The truth is that you'll get an adequate supply of vitamins and minerals from only a couple servings per day; what we need from those plants is fiber and balance; a diet of only meat, bread, and milk products is not a good idea. What happens often, I think, is that people figure that if certain diseases (scurvy, pellagra, rickets) are caused by vitamin deficiency, then an abundance of vitamins will lead to excellent health. The problem with this thinking is that these diseases present themselves only in cases of extreme malnutrition; the vast majority of Americans will have no problem avoiding them.

I was a little disappointed when I found out about Vitamin C, because I'd like to think I can exercise some power over that annoyance of annoyances, the common cold. "Just wait it out" doesn't sound like good advice when you've got things to do and you've gone through your third box of Kleenex in two days. Many of us were raised on Flintstone vitamins (not myself, but friends of whom I was jealous) and those tasty orange-flavored cough drops, and it's uncomfortable to abandon the tradition of self-medication and comfort. I think many of us, myself definitely included, abandon our shrewdness as consumers when it comes to our health. We look askance at the car salesman who pitches the extended warranty plan, but we're willing to trust the aproned clerk at Whole Foods who assures us that that $19 bottle of Vitamin B pills will "energize our protein system" or something. Why do we do this? Well, because the prospect of ill health is scary. I want to be the best Joanna I can be, dammit, and I don't want my teeth to fall out and my liver to shrivel up or some such awful thing. I also want to be attractive; oh please, sell me your magical products.

But don't get me wrong; I'm all about comfy traditions. Chicken soup may not be a scientifically proven cure, but it's so hot and good. And I'm all about comfort. But I'm not buying any vitamins. I'll just eat a non-crap diet and hope for the best.

Star Trek

2009-05-12T20:53:00.000-07:00

I was a Next Generation fan, but while I've absorbed some basic knowledge of the original series from the cultural aether, I've never actually seen a full episode or movie from the original series. (Ducks flying beer cans and remote controls) That said, here are some brief thoughts:

1) Adam had told me that Eric Bana was in it, and I said "ooh! Eric Bana!" and various other gigglings. And then two days later I watched it and completely forgot he was in it. That was some makeup job; they completely removed his hotness.

2) I'm not sure if other people agree, but I get excited when I see a mainstream movie with not-so-famous actors in it.

3) That Spock is a nice boy. My favorite character by far.

4) Not enough female characters. There were two, really, and one of them has about four lines. I know they were following the original series and didn't have much choice, but since this movie opened up possibilities for completely original story lines, I hope the next movie includes a strong female lead.

5) I realize this is so Generation Y of me, but it occurred to me a couple times while watching that Patrick Stewart is intricately wrapped up in my space-adventure imagination. If we can bring Nemoy back, can't we have some Patrick Stewart? Just stick 'im in there, let him quote Shakespeare or facepalm a little or some such adorable and wonderful thing. Eh? I think it's a good idea.

6) It is so refreshing to watch an action movie that doesn't rely on sexy people and action to tell a story and engage the audience. JJ Abrams' success lies in his attention to character development; they guy can make you care about a character you don't even like. The sexiness is there, the action is there, the cool shiny sets and the dumb-funny jokes are all there, but if you can get an audience to identify with and emotionally invest in your characters, you've got yourself a good movie. And this one is good.

Welcome to 2009. Please adjust your terminology accordingly.

2009-05-12T08:40:00.000-07:00

I'm always amused when someone uses the word "coed" to describe a female college student. What is this, 1946? Women at college are an everyday fact, a given. In many cases they outnumber men. It's time we shuffled off the coil of linguistic condescension.

Play Haley off, Keyboard Cat.

2009-05-08T22:01:00.000-07:00

Keyboard Cat, you are this week's most hypnotizing and bizarre meme. And it probably says a good deal about me that it's Friday night and I'm sitting next to a pile of unfolded laundry, drinking wine and watching a cat play the electric piano. It says things like "Tart, you are awesome" and "you deserve cheese for your efforts."

Blogger comments problem

2009-05-06T11:08:00.000-07:00

The last two times I've tried to italicize someone else's comment and then write non-italicized text underneath it, Blogger has mashed the two together. It won't let me make a new paragraph for the normal text. Anybody know why this is?

YOU get some quackery, and YOU get some quackery, and YOU get some quackery!

2009-05-05T15:43:00.000-07:00

Oprah is giving Jenny McCarthy her own TV show, her very own dais from which to rail about the dangers of vaccines and the government/Big Pharma/American Academy of Pediatrics conspiracy to give your kids autism. And chelation therapy, the autism cure "They" don't want you to know about.

Oh Oprah Winfrey, why must you promote pseudoscience? You have so much power; it could be used for things so much cooler than the dissemination of misinformation.

Questions of the Week

2009-05-05T12:33:00.000-07:00

#1: What's in your bookmark (or favorites) list?

Mine:
-Gmail
-Facebook
-Blogger
-Tart Juice
-Google
-Wikipedia
-New York Times
-OneLook
-Slate
-Salon
-Andrew Sullivan
-Washington Post
-BBC
-Scienceblogs
-Gawker
-Google News
-Fark (A new one- I'm curious because Adam likes it)

#2: Am I the only person here who doesn't use an RSS feed?

Self-control

2009-05-03T21:12:00.000-07:00

Adam and I spent Friday night at the hotel where he works during the summer as a bartender. On Saturday morning we were sitting by the pool when the hotel's general manager came over and asked us what we were doing that day. He's a friendly fellow, smiley and agreeable in an entirely empty sort of way. When we said we were going to see the Body Worlds exhibit at the Natural History Museum, he commenced to waxing (for no reason I could detect) about the benefits of caloric restriction, and how a 1,900 calorie diet can "reverse the aging process," so that a person can "look like they're forty when they're sixty."

After he left, Adam said he was proud of me for restraining myself. Scoff, I said! As though I would engage Captain Ponce de Leon, your respectable employer, in an argument about his pseudoscienctific mumbo-jumboings! I am a lady, thank you very much, and I know when such discussions are appropriate.

Of course he's correct that I wanted to. But I have self-control, and that's how come I know I'm all grown up. Caloric restriction, by the way, has been demonstrated to prolong life spans in laboratory animals, but no such conclusive studies have been performed on humans. The concept has been around for years, but according the the non-quacky articles I've read on the subject, such a lifestyle is nearly impossible to maintain, as most people would find the dearth of calories unbearable. Are there really people out there willing to nearly starve themselves in order to live a few years longer? If so, I'd like to meet them and discuss it over that beer they're never allowed to have. As for "reversing the aging process," such a concept is patently absurd; you can maintain some youthful energy and avoid disease with a healthy lifestyle, and you can look younger with cosmetics and surgeries. But it is scientificamally unpossible, at this point in sciencing, to reverse the degeneration of bodily molecules.

And while I'm on the subject, I was reading Us Weekly while getting a pedicure the other day (I know, I know, we've all become stupider as a result of this sentence) and the cover article was about the diets of the women on Dancing With the Stars. Most of them are subsisting on grapes, hard-boiled egg whites, and the occasional handful of chicken shavings. One of the dancers, 5'6" and 117 pounds, said she eats a 1,500 calorie diet. This is an athlete. I am baffled by this. Whence the energy to dance eight hours per day? Is she wearing a wig to hide the fact that all her hair has fallen out? How many grams of carbs are in this orange???

When my toenails were finished I went to my car and jammed a pencil up my nose in the hope of eradicating the newfound knowledge of dancing stars' diets from my frontal lobe. It didn't work. Who's hungry?

It's obvious that I'm judging you, isn't it.

2009-04-30T17:44:00.001-07:00

I was talking to a couple of moms at the park the other day, and one of them mentioned that she had given birth at home. Curious as I am about home birth, I asked her what kind of help she had. She said it was just herself and her husband, and that they had planned it that way. In response to the (unintentionally) surprised and maybe a little bit horrified look on my face, she said, "I have a lot of faith in the female body."

Evidently. I know several women who have given birth at home or in birthing centers, but they always have midwives or doctors around: people who know how to detect abnormalities and resuscitate babies, and have contacts with the hospital to which mother and child may need to be rushed in case of emergency. From what I've read, a planned home birth by a healthy mother with a not-at-risk fetus, supervised by a trained midwife or obstetrician and with a hospital close by and a referred doctor at the ready, is as safe as a hospital birth. I find it remarkable that, with all the safe birthing options available, anyone would choose to risk their life and that of a baby just because it "feels natural."

I also need to work on my poker face.

One Year

2009-04-27T21:33:00.000-07:00

Today it is one year since Adam and I had our first date.

Happy anniversary, dear. And thank you, Internet.

Helpful and inspirational self-help advice from this morning's yoga instructor

2009-04-26T15:51:00.000-07:00

"We are all magical. We have magic inside us, and we have hearts that love unconditionally. Reach up and take a sunbeam into your body. Open your heart and inhale the prana and become one with your inner body. You are a unique and special and magical person."

"Feel yourself feeling, and feel what it is to feel."

"Find the grace of your muscular energy."

"Relax your anal sphincter."

I cannot stress the important of that last one enough. This was Adam's first yoga class, and he enjoyed it, although we agreed that next time we'll do a class with one of the less talky-talky instructors. We spent most of the class trying to figure out what she meant by "take the blue of the sky into your spine." I like a metaphor as much as the next girl, but I have my limits.

Coast to Coast AM

2009-04-25T10:23:00.000-07:00

Occasionally I'll find myself driving between the hours of 10 PM and 2 AM, and, having not much else better to do, listening to Coast to Coast AM. For those of you who haven't heard it, it's basically AM radio for the extraordinarily irrational. UFO witnesses, chemtrail conspiracy theorists, paranoid narcissists, 2012 apocalypse believers, tinfoil hatters; this is their media home. Think the wackiest fringe of Glenn Beck's fan base. It's pure, undiluted crazy flowering in an environment that fosters and encourages it, where credulity is the only available response. These people call in and host Greg Noory listens and appears to take to heart absolutely anything these people say.

Simultaneous UFO/Bigfoot sighting in Eureka, CA? There is indeed a well-documented UFO/Bigfoot connection, as demonstrated in our show's archives, available online. Government airplanes nobody else can see are flying over Dallas, spraying chemicals that sterilize our children for the purpose of population control? Yeah, the government will do that. Have you traveled back in time to be with us tonight? Thanks for calling. What's the future like?

Coast to Coast AM both fascinates me and makes me uncomfortable. I wonder if there's any harm, any social irresponsibility, in stoking the fires of the excessively credulous and the delusional. Or perhaps it provides some perverse social service to those who feel that mainstream culture and science have left them behind. Then again, the show gives airtime to the likes of Jerome Corsi, a nutjob of the first order who argues that the government is planning to merge the United States with Canada and Mexico, and that petrolium is produced from chemical reactions in the Earth, and not from decayed plants and animals (which is what "they" want you to think) and I'm pretty sure that's not helping anything except Corsi's book sales. Which is bad.

What do you think? Have you listened to the show?

Nancy Pelosi: Liar?

2009-04-24T09:38:00.000-07:00

Tuesday's New York Times reported on the "key players" in the approval of torturing prisoners, and look whose mug shows up on the handy info-graphic: Nancy Pelosi, who has publicly stated her opposition to waterboarding.

Representative Nancy Pelosi of California, who in 2002 was the ranking Democrat on the House committee, has said in public statements that she recalls being briefed on the methods, including waterboarding. She insists, however, that the lawmakers were told only that the C.I.A. believed the methods were legal — not that they were going to be used.

By contrast, the ranking Republican on the House committee at the time, Porter J. Goss of Florida, who later served as C.I.A. director, recalls a clear message that the methods would be used.

“We were briefed, and we certainly understood what C.I.A. was doing,” Mr. Goss said in an interview. “Not only was there no objection, there was actually concern about whether the agency was doing enough.”

Andrew Sullivan believes Goss. And I think he's probably right.

Times is tough. Hot blondes are suffering.

2009-04-22T19:34:00.000-07:00

Conservative pundits and analysts: Miss California was discriminated against for speaking her mind and staying true to her traditional values! It's unfair, it's a free speech issue!

People who aren't assholes: First, no matter what she says, we have no way of knowing whether Miss CA would have won first place had she not given that answer. Second, nobody stopped her from exercising her right to free speech. She opened her mouth and out came a marginally incoherent, rambling statement the contents of which were both factually flawed and tinged with prejudice. She wasn't interrupted; she was allowed to finish her thought. Free speech means you can say what you want. It doesn't mean you won't be judged for it.

Fun fact: Miss California is a student at San Diego Christian College, a school that teaches creationism in its biology courses. So...that's sad.

Also: Perez Hilton is a misogynist slime. Here's hoping this isn't the beginning of a campaign on his part to be the new face of gay marriage rights.

Believing liars: easier than thinking.

2009-04-22T15:54:00.001-07:00

Listening to talk radio this morning (both conservative and NPR) it occurred to me how ridiculous it is to believe the Bush Administration and former CIA officials when they say torture resulted in information that was useful to national security, when we know they lied to our faces about using it in the first place.

And even if torture did result in useful information? That's no excuse. It's really something the way so-called Christians defend torture. The same people who moan and rend their garments over gay marriage and the erosion of our values, and you tell them we're treating humans (who may or may not be guilty of terrorism) worse than animals, and they just shrug.

'Well, see, brown people aren't real people, so...'

This deserves outrage. This is disgusting.

2009-04-16T19:32:00.000-07:00

The Justice Department released memos today detailing the use of torture by CIA operatives during the Bush Administration.

From the Bybee Memo:

As we explained in the Section 2340A Memorandum, "pain and suffering" as used in Section 2340 is best understood as a single concept, not distinct concepts of "pain" as distinguished from "suffering"... The waterboard, which inflicts no pain or actual harm whatsoever, does not, in our view inflict "severe pain or suffering". Even if one were to parse the statute more finely to treat "suffering" as a distinct concept, the waterboard could not be said to inflict severe sufering. The waterboard is simply a controlled acute episode, lacking the connotation of a protracted period of time generally given to suffering.

This is everything we knew was happening, spelled out in a sickeningly dry legalese. President Obama released a statement promising not to prosecute the CIA operatives involved. But what about the president and cabinet who authorized the torture, and who obfuscated in statements to the public, who talked around the definition of torture, who talked about "enhanced interrogation techniques" until people got bored and stopped paying attention.

And more importantly, most importantly, what about our claims to moral exceptionalism? What about the damage to our national identity? We are now a nation of torturers, a nation whose president has chosen not to hold accountable those who tortured. I knew Obama wouldn't be perfect, but however naively, I expected better of him. Obama says that he's "taken steps to ensure that the actions described within [the memos] never take place again." This is admirable. But he also said, "this is a time for reflection, not retribution." This is bullshit.

It's April 15. Everybody...freak out?

2009-04-15T08:51:00.000-07:00

Or not. According to a recent Gallup Poll, Americans' opinion of the federal income tax is generally favorable, at one of its highest points since they began these polls in 1956.

This seems as good a time as any to remind ourselves that taxes for households earning under $250,000 haven't gone up. The middle class has not seen a tax increase. The middle class did not get its taxes raised. There haven't been additional taxes for the middle class. If your household brings in under $250,000 annually, your taxes? They haven't gone up. What Obama's doing is returning to the Clinton-era tax rates. That's hardly as egregiously unfair as what the British government was doing in 1773, which was taxation without representation. What we have today is taxation with representation. If you think your taxes are being wasted by an unnecessarily large government, or you don't think lower taxes in return for reduced social services would negatively affect the country, I wouldn't say that's an unusual or unreasonable stance. But these are complaints that were just as applicable during the Bush Administrations; not enough changes have occurred in the last four months to warrant this level of outrage. And to say that a return to the tax rates of the 90s (an era of prosperity) can be compared to the events leading up to the American Revolution just doesn't make any sense.

Andrew Sullivan, a man more conservative on the fiscal front than I, puts it thusly:

I'll proffer a simple point: If the tea-partiers are concerned about debt and concerned about taxes, one presumes they favor drastic spending cuts. But what are the tea-partiers proposing to do to Medicare, Medicaid, and social security?
I'd love to see a proposal that they support on any of these entitlement programs, but particularly Medicare which is the culprit for much of the debt burden. Where is it? Or are we really going to hear more diversions about "pork"?

As a fiscal conservative who actually believed in those principles when the Republicans were in power, I guess I should be happy at this phenomenon. And I would be if it had any intellectual honesty, any positive proposals, and any recognizable point. What it looks like to me is some kind of amorphous, generalized rage on the part of those who were used to running the country and now don't feel part of the culture at all. But the only word for that is: tantrum.

These are not tea-parties. They are tea-tantrums. And the adolescent, unserious hysteria is a function not of a movement regrouping and refinding itself. It's a function of a movement's intellectual collapse and a party's fast-accelerating nervous breakdown.

Wait. That's what the Patriot Act means?

2009-04-14T18:02:00.000-07:00

Anyone listen to conservative talk radio or watch Fox News today? It's worth a couple minutes' headache to see them rend their garments in anguish over a report the Department of Homeland Security sent to local police forces describing the need for increased surveillance of "right-wing extremist activity." The nuts are a-rattling in the can about their right to peaceful assembly, their right to privacy. And will they get the irony? At any point, even in the darkest room of their private hearts, will the fair-minded voice they shoved into the metaphorical broom closet peek out, open its light-starved eyes and say to them, "Patriot Act? FISA? D-d-d-dick Cheney?"

Glenn Greenwald:

...the political faction screeching about the dangers of the DHS is the same one that spent the last eight years vastly expanding the domestic Surveillance State and federal police powers in every area. DHS -- and the still-creepy phrase "homeland security" -- became George Bush's calling card. The Republicans won the 2002 election by demonizing those who opposed its creation. All of the enabling legislation underlying this Surveillance State -- from the Patriot Act to the Military Commissions Act, from the various FISA "reforms" to massive increases in domestic "counter-Terrorism" programs -- are the spawns of the very right-wing movement that today is petrified that this is all being directed at them.

These are the people who told you it was un-American to vocally oppose the President. These are the people who told you to trust your government no matter what. These are the people who thought "you're either with us or against us" was perfectly sound reasoning, who needed seven years of Bush presidency to come to the realization that maybe he wasn't doing such a great service to humanity after all. That they think anyone besides their already-energized-to-the-point-of-hysteria base is going to share in their outrage is sort of quaint. All this they're saying now about limited government, Ron Paul et al. have been saying for years. All they're saying about privacy and the freedom to disagree with the party in power, liberals have been saying for years. Seriously, guys? Surprised, are you? Okay.

On skepticism and the criticisms thereof, and the fallacious nature of many of those criticisms. With pictures!

2009-04-14T12:14:00.000-07:00

It's nine minutes long, but Nostradamus predicted that you'd enjoy it.

I am so glad he said this.

2009-04-14T08:17:00.000-07:00

"One of the great strengths of the United States is … we have a very large Christian population -- we do not consider ourselves a Christian nation or a Jewish nation or a Muslim nation. We consider ourselves a nation of citizens who are bound by ideals and a set of values."
-President Obama, speaking in Turkey April 6.

Right-wingers: America is a Christian nation!

The only reasonable response: Establishment clause. Establishment clause. Establishment clause. Establishment clause. Establishment clause. Establishment clause.

Which is to say nothing of toasters. They make bread hot! I'll never understand it.

2009-04-13T18:49:00.000-07:00

Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas spoke with some high school essayists in Washington D.C. recently, in an out-of-character public appearance for the famously private judge. He talked about how much he loves flags and crucifixes, and how people have too many rights these days, how telephones are a "luxury," and most importantly, he reveled (as have so many of us) at the otherworldly and mysterious wonder that is the electric dishwashing machine.

“I have to admit,” he said, “that I’m one of those people that still thinks the dishwasher is a miracle. What a device! And I have to admit that because I think that way, I like to load it. I like to look in and see how the dishes were magically cleaned.”

Can't you just imagine old Clarence pulling out those sparkling forks and clapping his hands with delight? "Virginia! Virginia, come quick! It did it again! You know, I think it's little scullery leprechauns. Oh, how they fill my life with joy..."

Rick Warren: Is this thing on?

2009-04-13T08:55:00.001-07:00

Here's the thing about Rick Warren: I want to ignore him. I want him to do his pastor thing for the people who enjoy it and leave non-Christians alone. But leading up to the November election, he couldn't do that. He went on TV several times and endorsed Prop 8. He made this video and sent it to his congregation:

“We support Proposition 8. And if you believe what the Bible says about marriage, you need to support Proposition 8. … I urge you to support Proposition 8, and pass that on. … Everybody knows what I believe about it.”

And then last week he went TV again, and he said this to Larry King:

"I am not an anti-gay or anti-marriage activist. Never have been, never will be. The whole Proposition 8 thing, I never once went to a meeting, never once issued a statement. Never once even gave an endorsement in the two years Prop 8 was going..."

Uhh, Rick? You do realize that when you speak into a microphone in front of a camera, that gets recorded, right? And when you allow that video to be uploaded to the Internet, that it never, ever, ever goes away, ever? And once you go on TV and argue against civil rights for gay people while comparing them to pedophiles, people don't forget that. So if you're trying to win back some moderates and liberals by pretending to be ecumenical, please do us a favor and give up. And shamelessly courting the favor of the public is rather un-Christlike, not to mention a betrayal of your followers, who no doubt look to you for consistency in your moral guidance, no?

By the way, here he is comparing gay marriage to incest and pedophilia in an interview with Beliefnet, courtesy of Pam's House Blend:

Rick Warren: But the issue to me is, I’m not opposed to that as much as I’m opposed to the redefinition of a 5,000-year definition of marriage. I’m opposed to having a brother and sister be together and call that marriage. I’m opposed to an older guy marrying a child and calling that a marriage. I’m opposed to one guy having multiple wives and calling that marriage.

Steven Waldman: Do you think, though, that they are equivalent to having gays getting married?

Rick Warren: Oh I do.

That Internet's a real sumbitch, ain't it Rick?

It should be noted that Warren claims he has never endorsed a candidate, either. This is true; he has never said "I, Rick Warren, endorse Candidate X," for fear of losing his tax-exempt status no doubt. What he does is preach and mass-email about upcoming elections, sneakily encouraging his congregation to vote for the pro-life, anti-gay marriage candidate. In 2004, when I was on Saddleback Church's mailing list, I received just such a missive advising me to vote for the conservative candidate. Names weren't named, but, umm, who do you think he was talking about?

Urge to kill rising...rising...

2009-04-09T15:57:00.001-07:00

Institutionalized homophobia is a sinking ship that's going under slowly enough to allow the vermin on board to scurry about frantically, baring their teeth on cable news and shoving their dirty money into poorly-produced TV ads and sad little "Calls to Action!" on their website. And National Organization for Marriage director Maggie Gallagher leads the way, rat and Pied Piper in one, tooting her Hate Horn and pausing occasionally to appear on Hardball and whine about being misrepresented. In response to the suggestion that her organization tries to instill fear into its supporters with its new ad, she said this: "I'm not trying to inject a fear..." This is what she said. Not five minutes after NOM's new ad was played, with the lightning and dark clouds and the "a storm is coming," this woman claims that she's not using fear as a tool. This woman is out of her mind. Just sit for a moment and try to fathom that level of cognitive dissonance.

Item: Maggie Gallagher abuses herself to photos of Abu Ghraib torture victims. One can only assume.

Mmm, passive aggressive.

2009-04-07T14:33:00.001-07:00

Passiveaggressivenotes.com posted my passive aggressive note!

My friend Angela in Seattle had a co-worker email it to her last night. I'm heartened that other people enjoy Chattanoogan sanctimony as much as I do. Warning: that blog is a powerful time suck.

This week is soo gay.

2009-04-07T10:32:00.000-07:00

Gay marriage advocates in Montpelier after passage of the bill.

Vermont's legislature overrode the governor's veto of a gay marriage bill today, making it the second state this week to achieve civil rights awesomeness. From the NYT:

The step makes Vermont the first state to allow same-sex marriage through legislative action instead of a court ruling.

The outcome in the House of Representatives, 100 to 49, was not clear until the final moments of a long roll call, when Rep. Jeff Young, a Democrat who voted against the bill last week, reversed his position. After the final tally, cheers erupted in both legislative chambers of the State House and in the hallways outside, and several lawmakers on both sides of the debate looked stunned.

Hell yeah! Get down with your bad self, Vermont. What was that we said the other day about inevitability? May the train roll onward.

Movie Review: Monsters vs. Aliens

2009-04-05T09:22:00.001-07:00

Watching the latest attempt by DreamWorks Animation to surpass Pixar in technological innovation and box office draw, I made a decision: Pixar rules and DreamWorks drools. Pixar has created a series of interesting, beautiful, witty movies with originality and humanity (Monsters, Inc., Ratatouille, Wall-E. That scene in Ratatouille where the food critic tastes the ratatouille and remembers his childhood? That was straight beautiful.) Dreamworks is operating an assembly line for animated movies that range from genuine and clever enough (Shrek) to cloying (Madagascar) to wink-and-nudge attempts at appealing to adults with an endless barrage of inside jokes (Shrek 2 and Shrek The Third).

I'm tired of DreamWorks. I'm not sure how many adults are amused by all that topical humor (look, honey, it's just like a Starbucks logo! We drink Starbucks!) But my ribs are sore from all the get-it?-get-it? poking. Monsters vs. Aliens is basically a long and colorful send-up of cheesy science fiction movies from the 50s and a few from the 70s and 80s. But, umm, those movies are old. Kids don't know, for example, what Close Encounters of the Third Kind is, so that sequence with Stephen Colbert's character playing the piano in front of the giant alien fell flat for them. None of the kids in my theater laughed. I know the producers have to entertain the adults in order to make the big dollars, but these guys spend way too much time running after the over-twenty crowd, and the pandering got pathetic real fast. It was all flash and no heart, its adherence to formula and cliche disappointing when you consider the technology and voice-acting talent they had to work with.

A small quibble: If Reese Witherspoon's character is supposed to be a pillar of Girl Power, why did they make her so sexy? She has that anime-disproportion about the eyes and head, a Barbie-esque waist-to-hip ratio, and she shows some serious thigh in her torn wedding gown (she grows 44 feet, but her dress just tears a little. How does that work?) And come to think of it, her successes aren't that impressive anyway, as almost every male character in the movie is either retarded, massively vain, or a caricature of a parody. Not much of a challenge for our protagonist, really.

Best line, by Rainn Wilson's alien: "Silence! Your voice is grating on my earnubs!" Mine too, dude.

IOWA!

2009-04-03T09:48:00.000-07:00

Iowa's Supreme Court today became the first state in the Midwest to rule a ban on gay marriage unconstitutional. Smack in the middle of America, the heartland, the good ol' US of A, the educated and fair-minded gave a decision that will have both practical and symbolic effects on the entire country. This is a big day for civil rights, a message to the smugly straight and the sanctimoniously religious. The message is this: Full gay rights are an inevitability. They will happen. They are happening right now. Get used to it or get out of the way.

From the decision:

This lawsuit is a civil rights action by twelve individuals who reside in six communities across Iowa. Like most Iowans, they are responsible, caring, and productive individuals. They maintain important jobs, or are retired, and are contributing, benevolent members of their communities. They include a nurse, business manager, insurance analyst, bank agent, stay-at-home parent, church organist and piano teacher, museum director, federal employee, social worker, teacher, and two retired teachers. Like many Iowans, some have children and others hope to have children. Some are foster parents. Like all Iowans, they prize their liberties and live within the borders of this state with the expectation that their rights will be maintained and protected—a belief embraced by our state motto.

Despite the commonality shared with other Iowans, the twelve plaintiffs are different from most in one way. They are sexually and romantically attracted to members of their own sex. The twelve plaintiffs comprise six same-sex couples who live in committed relationships. Each maintains a hope of getting married one day, an aspiration shared by many throughout Iowa.
...
In short, for purposes of Iowa’s marriage laws, which are designed to bring a sense of order to the legal relationships of committed couples and their families in myriad ways, plaintiffs are similarly situated in every important respect, but for their sexual orientation. As indicated above, this distinction cannot defeat the application of equal protection analysis through the application of the similarly situated concept because, under this circular approach, all distinctions would evade equal protection review. Therefore,
with respect to the government’s purpose of “providing an institutional basis for defining the fundamental relational rights and responsibilities of persons,” same–sex couples are similarly situated to opposite–sex couples.

To Visit A University

2009-04-01T08:18:00.001-07:00

Adam and I drove up to Claremont on Tuesday for an open house, which was basically a lot of talk about financial aid and course requirements with a tasty free lunch in the middle, the end result of which was the suspicion that, while that guacamole was rather good, it's likely that my children will be paying off my student loan debt after I die.

Downtown Claremont with pink blossoms.

Lookit the pug! She was so cute I had to stop and take a picture. Adam's still arguing for a Basset Hound, and I think he'll win (when we eventually get a dog) but I still love me a pug. Maybe I could abandon my convictions and breed dogs to finance my education. If you know anyone in the market for a soul, I think my price is reasonable. Email me.

Tart's Kitchen

2009-03-29T20:44:00.000-07:00

Recipe for my new favorite dish, which is cheap and easy:

1) Prepare Trader Joe's Harvest Grains Mix (orzo, quinoa, couscous, and baby garbanzo beans) without butter.

2) Saute the following in olive oil:
-Mushrooms
-Spinach (or as many vegetables as you want)
-Garlic
-Onions

3) Add grains mix to vegetables. Add crushed red pepper, Newman's Own Light Balsamic Vinaigrette, parmesan cheese.

4) Inhale. It's spicy, nutty, filling, and healthy, with a touch of that manly and reassuring Paul Newman flavor you deserve.

In the great scheme of things, I know very little about computers.

2009-03-27T21:37:00.000-07:00

Me: [Holds up Adam's keys, which consist of a miniature Rubik's Cube keychain I gave him, a thumb drive, and one key.] You are a nerd.
Adam: That has 16 gigabytes of storage space, I'll have you know.
Me: Is that a lot?
Adam: [expression of extreme disgust]
Me: Hey, where are you going? Come back!

Go out in public with Asian child, get asked same question repeatedly.

2009-03-26T21:49:00.000-07:00

Guy at sandwich shop, looking at Ciara: What is she?
Me: [pause] Umm...you mean ethnically? Her mom is Japanese and her dad is Irish.
Ciara: [Does this thing where she babbles incoherently in public, presumably to embarrass me by making people think I haven't taught her English.]

Dear America: Look At Meeee!

2009-03-26T09:04:00.000-07:00

Did you catch this AIG douchebag's Op-Ed in yesterday's NYT? Jake DeSantis, former Executive VP of AIG Financial Products, offers his resignation letter as proof that while there was some tricky biz going on, he certainly wasn't part of it, and now he's quitting and giving his $742,000 bonus to charity.

Whatever, man. Knock yourself out. But I doubt anyone cares, let alone feels sorry for you, if sympathy is what you're looking for. It's a certain kind of person who has to take up half a page of editorial space in a national newspaper to tell everyone what a stand-up guy he is, after years of earning a fucking astronomical salary that [evidently] he didn't think at the time was necessarily temporary and possibly ethically questionable, not to mention evident of an ever-increasing income disparity that some people would argue is not a good thing. I do not like this kind of person.

Dumbest Question of Last Night's News Conference, Paraphrased

2009-03-25T09:27:00.000-07:00

Ann Compton, ABC Radio: Has race affected your ability to get things done, or have the last two months been a relatively color-blind time?

Obama: Nobody cares what I look like right now. We're over it. We've got real problems.

Me: Nice waste of a question, Ann. Maybe next time you can grill him about what breed of puppy he's getting his kids.

Enjoy these comedic animals or suffer punishment under great crushing Fist of Republic!

2009-03-24T09:38:00.001-07:00

These photos and captions come courtesy of Яolcats: English Translations of Eastern Bloc Lolcats. Surely amusement derived therein is nothing compared to joy of uneven parallel bars or obedient service in Vladivostok textile mill.

My iodine rations are depleted!
Come nightfall I will leave Pripyat forever and make for the verdant hills of Dnipropetrovsk!

That we both may be a burden on the state, this thought above all others keeps me from sleep this night.

On Justice for a former SLA Terrorist

2009-03-22T11:11:00.000-07:00

Caitlin Flanagan has an excellent Op-Ed in the NYT concerning Sara Jane Olson, former member of the Symbionese Liberation Army, who in 1975 participated in a bank robbery which resulted in one death and the miscarriage of a pregnant woman Olson kicked in the stomach. The same year, Olson planted pipe bombs under two LAPD squad cars which, had they detonated, would have killed not only the police officers in the car but the multiple civilians those police officers have testified were in the vicinity. After fleeing to Zimbabwe, changing her name, and living in Minnesota for 23 years, Olson was identified after her photo was shown on American's Most Wanted. She served 7 years in prison, and now her lawyers argue that her parole should be served in Minnesota, rather than in California as dictated by the law. Flanagan offers a simple and elegant argument against this proposal.

In the courtroom, Ms. Olson was a real prize, changing her plea so many times that the frustrated judge asked her, “Were you lying to me then, or are you lying to me now?” Eventually she was convicted and sent to prison, but not before making it abundantly clear that while she admits guilt to a variety of charges, she does not feel remorse for her actions: she chalks them up to idealism and to the fact that — O, sweet bird of youth — she believed herself to have been “saving lives.”

She served seven years and was released last week, and that’s when her long story came once again to the national fore: her lawyers persuaded California officials to let her serve parole back home in Minnesota.

Clearly, factors of race and class have come into play. As Celeste Fremon, an expert on gangs and criminal justice, observed on her blog Witness LA: “Over and over again I see young men of color sent away for decades for crimes of far lesser magnitude in which no one was injured. And when they get out on parole, they usually can’t even get their paroles transferred to Riverside — if that’s what they need to be out of harm’s way, get a job and be with their families — much less Minnesota.”
...
It is Sara Jane Olson’s criminal behavior that society has a right to punish, not her ideology. In her case, however, we have a rare opportunity to censure the former and honor the latter.

The irreducible starting point of the S.L.A.’s agenda was the belief that the justice system treated blacks differently from whites. By offering herself up to serve her parole in the state, she will do her part to ensure that there are not two standards of justice, one for the white women who have Tudor-style houses and shadowed lawns to return to in a distant state — let us call such women the “fascist insect” — and the other for African-American women — let us call them “the people” — who enter the system with very little and leave it with even less.

A Brief Dialogue

2009-03-21T08:54:00.000-07:00

Corn Refiners Association: High fructose corn syrup is okay to eat because it's made from corn.

Me: So is plastic. Shall we eat plastic?

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

2009-03-17T07:00:00.001-07:00

I'm going to Disneyland! I'm going to Disneyland! And it's my birthday!!!!!!!

I'm...a little excited.

The leprechauns whisper to me...the day of St. Patrick is nigh!

2009-03-15T22:47:00.001-07:00

Tuesday is St. Patrick's Day, and it is also my 26th birthday. This is your official reminder to partake of the wearin' of the green, lest ye be pinched with good reason. My green outfit is chosen and the metaphorical bells are on my shoes. I will not, however, be drinking any green beer because they never greenify anything good; it's usually Bud Lite or some such horrific liquid. I'll be drinking Guinness, for 'tis a stout which brings mirth and cheer to all, and contains many essential vitamins and minerals.

Babysitting Octathlon

2009-03-14T19:58:00.000-07:00

I sat a 6-year-old boy and 12-year-old girl tonight for the first time and was, in the space of four hours, challenged to the following:

-Mario Kart
-Wii baseball
-Wii bowling
-Flag football
-Basketball
-Limbo
-Reverse Limbo
-Freeze tag

I bowed out when they proposed to teach me how to do a cartwheel. I couldn't do a cartwheel when I weighed 65 pounds, and there's no way it's happening now. I suppose it goes without saying that they kicked my ass at every one of these activities. It's confounding what the child body can achieve on a diet of Sunny Delight and Chex Mix, whereas if I ate like that for one meal I'd be in the bathroom for the rest of the day. I just ate four SpongeBob fruit snacks, and now I have heartburn. Ehh.

Watchmen: Not only awful, but written by awful people.

2009-03-13T16:23:00.000-07:00

Watchmen screenwriter David Hayter has posted an open letter to all moviegoers, in which he shamelessly begs us to see his movie again this weekend so he can get funding for another one. And it made my blood fucking boil. Aside from being pathetic, Hayter manages to reveal himself, in one short missive, as a misogynistic douchebag who tosses off rape metaphors like it just ain't no thang. I despise people like this; they think they're being avant-garde, freaking out the squares, revealing the true nature of the world and humanity with their shocking "art." But really, they're just sad, sad little people who wish terribly they were smart or creative enough to craft something significant.

Because face it. All this time...You there, with the Smiley-face pin. Admit it.

All this time, you’ve been waiting for a director who was going to hit you in the face with this story. To just crack you in the jaw, and then bend you over the pool table with this story. With its utterly raw view of the darkest sides of human nature, expressed through its masks of action and beauty and twisted good intentions. Like a fry-basket full of hot grease in the face. Like the Comedian on the Grassy Knoll. I know, I know...

You say you don't like it. You say you've got issues. I get it.

And yet... You'll be thinking about this film, down the road. It'll nag at you. How it was rough and beautiful. How it went where it wanted to go, and you just hung on. How it was thoughtful and hateful and bleak and hilarious. And for Jackie Earle Haley.

Trust me. You'll come back, eventually. Just like Sally.

Might as well make it count for something.

Wait a minute. Wait just one fucking minute. Did this guy just compare seeing Watchmen to getting raped? Did he say that the rape victim in the movie secretly wanted to be beaten and raped, and like her, moviegoers secretly want to be horrified by entertainment?

That's revolting. Absolutely disgusting. Just like the movie. And for the record, I don't want a basket of hot fry grease in my face, metaphorical or otherwise. And that doesn't make me weak, or unreceptive of daring, life-changing art. When I sent this to Adam, he said he felt vindicated for disliking the film's perspective. I agree; it was meant to be nihilistic and misogynistic. Sally really did "come back for more" because women just love being thrown around like slabs of meat and sexually abused. And this is...thrilling?

Adam: I don't want to be raped in the theater.
Me: I don't want to be raped anywhere.

Oh, and Hayter also provides us with this comedic gem:

I've seen it twice now, and despite having run the movie in my head thousands of times, my two viewings still don’t allow me to view the film with the proper distance or objectivity. Is it Apocalypse Now? Is it Blade Runner? Is it Kubrick, or Starship Troopers? I don’t know yet.

Uh, David? Ridley Scott you are not. Stanley Kubrick you are not. And Francis Ford Coppola? That's like my comparing this blog post to goddamn Dostoyevsky. I think he's on the right track with Starship Troopers, but only in terms of his film's unintentional hilarity.

Jon Stewart Killed It Tonight.

2009-03-12T23:42:00.000-07:00

And by "it," of course I mean Jim Cramer. Absolutely destroyed the guy. Uncomfortable to watch at times, this interview has a Woodward-and-Bernstein feel about it that is ultimately immensely satisfying. Good job, Jon.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Jim Cramer Unedited Interview Pt. 1

Daily Show Full Episodes
Important Things w/ Demetri Martin

Political Humor
Jim Cramer

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Jim Cramer Unedited Interview Pt. 2

Daily Show Full Episodes
Important Things w/ Demetri Martin

Political Humor
Jim Cramer

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Jim Cramer Unedited Interview Pt. 3

Daily Show Full Episodes
Important Things w/ Demetri Martin

Political Humor
Jim Cramer

Stewart, after showing a 2006 clip of Cramer discussing how, as a hedge fund manager, he manipulated future trades for personal gain:

"I understand you want to make finance entertaining, but it's not a fucking game...when I watch that, I can't tell you how angry that makes me."

All her filth is arranged in alphabetical order. This, for instance, is under 'H' for 'Toy.'

2009-03-12T10:07:00.001-07:00

I was helping Ciara collect toys to bring to the park, because I always forget to bring them and she ends up playing with everyone else's. I was digging around in a toy box, looking for the farmer guy who goes in a little tractor, when Ciara jumped up and said, "I know where he is!" She ran into the living room, crawled into her tent (essentially a small piece of red canvas covering a massive pile of stuffed animals, books, and deflated balloons) and came out a moment later with the farmer. She can locate a one-inch-tall piece of plastic amongst piles of assorted possessions; I find this impressive.

I am merely the Mitch to her Chris Knight.

Question of the Week

2009-03-10T09:03:00.000-07:00

At the mall the other day I was reminded of a passage from Jonathan Franzen's 2003 essay collection How to Be Alone:

"This business of norms, which are a fixture of the information age, was on my mind this winter when I embarked on a survey of contemporary popular sex books and was confronted with the evidence that I am one of the few heterosexual men in America who's not turned on by elaborate lingerie ... I have no objection to a nice bra, still less to being invited to remove one. But brothel-wear of the kind sold at Frederick's of Hollywood seems to me scarcely less hokey than a Super Bowl half-time show. What I feel when I hear that the mainstream actually buys this stuff is the same garden variety alienation I feel on learning that Hootie and the Blowfish sold 13 million copies of their first record or that the American male's dream date is Cindy Crawford."

I feel the same way about these super-strappy shoes. They are the ugliest shoes I've ever seen, and they're everywhere. This is attractive, yes? People want to put this on their feet? I don't get it.

Tell me, fair readers: what fashion trend, musical event, or other cultural phenomenon confounds you with its popularity?

Because You Care

2009-03-10T00:27:00.000-07:00

So I was kind of nervous about spending the night alone in the house tonight, as my mom is a-journey in Africa and Turkey or some such thing, but when I called Adam to tell him this (and have phone-company as I investigated each room and closet for covert entities) I mentioned the relative ease with which some people occupy large spaces, alone, overnight. And he said that maybe drinking helps them to relax, and that's why I love Adam; he does things like remind me about drinking when I forget about drinking. And I must say that after a couple of gin and tonics, I feel just fine. Did you know that once you squeeze lime into gin, merely an anecdotal amount of tonic is necessary to dilute it into potability? Potent potability?

Oh hey, Captain Ron is on! Liquor does not make this a better movie. Martin Short plays someone named Martin. Now he's chewing on that woman's ear. Ew.

15 Minutes Later: Why am I still watching this? Am I being entertained?

20 Minutes Later: Shit. I am.

Avocado Harvest

2009-03-08T14:36:00.000-07:00

Our avocados have been growing ever larger for the last couple months, and a few have begun to yellow, so I decided (armed with my shamefully limited horticultural knowledge) to harvest them. I didn't pick them all, but I pulled down quite a few. I figured I'd make gifts of them, and since this tree's fruits take 2 weeks to ripen, they'll last awhile.

This fruit picker thingy, courtesy of the house's previous owner, is pretty cool.

This wasn't even all the avocados on the tree. I picked two oranges from each orange tree, too, to test their edibility. I got a lemon, too, even though the lemons from that tree have been consistently dry, and I've only been able to use their zest.

Maggie followed me outside, sniffed around, rolled in the dirt, and looked suspiciously at invisible things. And it was such a beautiful day that Adam and I were able to take a swim in the pool after going for a run. Sans bathing suits, for such is the best thing in the entire world. Have you swum naked lately? I recommend it heartily.

Watchmen Review

2009-03-07T15:19:00.000-08:00

Spoiler Alert: This movie was terrible. I've made a list.

Faithfulness to source material: I'm not saying that film adaptations of novels have to be 100% faithful to their source material. But there was a reason Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons didn't actually show people's arms being sliced off. They didn't show it because it's unnecessary. I suppose there are adolescent sickos out there who like to pleasure themselves to horrific depictions of human misery, but I find it hard to believe that the majority of the movie-going public was able to watch that scene without turning away, covering their eyes or ears, or at least flinching several times (do you enjoy the sound of crunching bones? Then have we got a movie for you!) Or maybe people don't mind watching a person get hacked to pieces with a dull knife as long as they know he's a bad guy. I turned away from Watchmen several times; dark, hopeless, nihilistic where it had no right or reason to be, devoid of any nod to human dignity, and without a touch of irony or awareness of this, there was absolutely no point to this movie.

"Nobody over twenty-five could take any joy from the savagery that is fleshed out onscreen, just as nobody under eighteen should be allowed to witness it."
-Anthony Lane, The New Yorker

Word.

Rorschach: Since when is he a hero? I was led to understand from the novel that he was a sociopathic fascist, doling out his own sick brand of justice to bad people, yes, but nevertheless not to be trusted and by no means a good guy.

Nite Owl/ Silk Spectre sex scene: Ew. Ew. More hilariously bad than many hilariously bad pornos I've seen. The book's panels described nothing close to that gross bit of excess.

Malin Ackerman: You cannot act.

Soundtrack: Laughably hackneyed and predictable. "All Along the Watchtower," Mozart's "Requiem," fucking "The Sound of Silence?" Somebody was paid to choose these? What, did the music guy just go down the list of the Top Songs Played in Movies and pick off the first ten? Sure, they're great songs. That's why they're overused. They're tired, and they need to rest. "The Times They Are A-Changing" even plays over a montage showing...yes, change over time! And I won't even describe the misuse of Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah."

Slow-mo Matrix ripoffs: Okay, we get it. You have neat cameras and computers. They can make things happen real slow. Now stop. And if I have to see one more human body turn into a skeleton and disintegrate, I'm going to dry heave.

Aged Sally Jupiter: Is supposed to be 70? Come on, makeup people. The woman's 37. You can't just stick a wig on her and hope for the best. Carla Gugino's a good actress, but she needs a little help here. How did the test audiences not notice this?

Jackie Earle Haley: The guy can act. Hey, I found something nice to say!

George Eliot said that "if art does not enlarge men's sympathies, it does nothing morally." I don't think most movie-goers and readers of novels realize the extent to which morality and the preservation of human dignity, via story, affect our enjoyment or rejection of a piece of popular art. I'm not a great fan of Alan Moore's graphic novel, although I did enjoy it; I haven't yet decided how I feel about pastiche as its own art form, and it is a little pretentious, although that's not always necessarily a bad thing. But it possesses humanity and grace despite its depictions of violence and despair. Zack Snyder's movie is devoid of any such qualities, and it gives us nothing like impressive acting or originality to compensate for this lack. He doesn't care about telling a story with a point or a moral; he just likes watching things blow up and die. I find this depressing.

I am more pleased with myself than anyone you have ever met.

2009-03-05T15:59:00.000-08:00

I just did a little thing called getting accepted to graduate school. Because that's how I roll.

The school? It's beautiful. It's located in the 5th best place to live in the U.S., according to some guy. It's famous. It's brimming with the liberal intelligentsia. It's sell-your-own-kidneys expensive. It's Claremont Graduate University.

Ack! I'm moving to "The City of Trees and PhDs!" This means I have to become either a PhD or a tree...

Downtown Claremont

On March 3rd in San Diego, you get a sunburn.

2009-03-03T21:14:00.000-08:00

If you're me, that is. I forgot about sunscreen, it being winter and all.

Zoo

2009-03-01T20:43:00.000-08:00

Adam and I went to the zoo today, because San Diego happens to have the best zoo...ever. Photos were plentiful. Here they are.

Mother and baby orangutan. If this photo had a soundtrack, it would be "look at the monkeys, Timmy! What's that monkey doing? Wow, those are some monkeys!" This happens with the chimps, gorillas, and siamangs as well, all of which are apes. We are more closely related to chimps than they are to monkeys.

This baby Bonobo was hilarious; his mother was holding and grooming a younger baby, and he kept trying to get her attention. When he failed, he went over to this tree and chewed it to within an inch of its life.

Female gorilla examines her hand, baby clings.

This female Bonobo chimp had a real grace about her.

Our common ancestor lived 7 million years ago, but look at her eyes; to me, it seems much more recent.
Isn't this the most gorgeous creature you've ever seen? And he would totally eat you!

Nature is weird.

This polar bear looked up briefly from his feast of 'pile o' pink stuff' to gaze at the crowd he'd attracted.

If it were possible to sleep and eat at the same time, koalas would do it. This one's almost figured it out.

Oh, those smiley white apes.
And of course, a kid on a leash. Utility be damned; this looks ridiculous for all involved.

Please be kind to the great, lumbering forest man.

2009-03-01T16:45:00.000-08:00

It's a special kind of person who wakes up one morning and says, 'hey guys, let's go to the zoo, get drunk, and tease the animals,' a unique brand of ignorant, meat-brained asshole who thinks that non-human creatures exist solely for his entertainment and don't deserve respect, the kind of person who kicks his dog and shoots baby deer for fun. I met this person today at the orangutan-and-siamang enclosure of the San Diego Zoo, as he tapped forcefully on the glass when the apes wouldn't look at him. Bear in mind that there are several signs on each enclosure requesting that visitors not tap on the glass, but perhaps literacy and direction-following may be too much to ask in some situations, especially of a guy who's bloodshot-drunk at 2 PM. At the zoo.

Meathead: [bang bang bang] Hey! Come over here!
Me: Dude. Don't do that.
Meathead: I'm trying to get them to come over here.
Me: Well, you're not supposed to do it. It agitates them. They get frightened.
Meathead: That's the whole point. That's what gets 'em to come over here. If I was in the wild and someone did that, I'd come over.
Me: If I were in the wild and you did that, I'd maul you.
Meathead: Wouldn't happen.

Believe me when I say that it would. It's vaguely embarrassing that I can't control myself in situations like this, but I can't abide an animal-harasser. They're the ones who belong in cages.

I write letters regarding fraudulent conservative talking points

2009-02-26T08:38:00.000-08:00

Hi Rick [Roberts, of KFMB Radio]-

Around 7:00 this morning you said that most Americans don't pay income taxes. You estimated this at "95%," although I got the feeling you were joking. In fact, 38% of Americans don't pay income taxes. This number is misleading, however, because that 38% pays payroll taxes, which are technically supposed to go to Social Security and Medicare, but the excess of which (about $190 billion) is placed in the same pool as the income tax money. To suggest that this 38% is existing parasitically off the rest of the taxpayers is inaccurate, as payroll taxes bring in roughly $870 billion per year.

All this information can be found at taxfoundation.org. I understand that hyperbole is your stock in trade, but given that most of your listeners (assuming they are middle class) do indeed pay income taxes, I'm not sure whom you're convincing.

Thank you for your time
-Joanna Mang
San Diego

The Governor of Maryland is Kinda Hot.

2009-02-25T11:44:00.000-08:00

Governor Martin O'Malley also opposes capital punishment, and that's nice too. He may have found a way to finally get rid of it, too. He and other governors are considering abolishing the death penalty in order to save money. Whatever gets it done is okay by me.

You know what else would save money? De-criminalizing marijuana. I'm just saying.

Is anyone surprised?

2009-02-23T14:03:00.000-08:00

Is anyone surprised that the Academy awards undeserving actors and movies? These are the people who called Crash, that cheese-wrapped pile of tripe, the Best Picture of the year.

I mean, Best Picture. Crash. Seriously, you guys. I enjoy an average-to-awful movie as much as the next guy (for example, I own Center Stage on DVD) but Best Picture? Better than Brokeback Mountain? I'm still not over it.

Yes, thank you for that.

2009-02-23T09:21:00.001-08:00

Me: [spills water on the floor.]
Ciara: [watches me clean it up] JoJo, that was all your fault.
Me: Yep.
Ciara: It wasn't my fault.
Me: That's right.
Ciara: It wasn't my fault, it wasn't Elmo's fault, it wasn't Ceili's [the dog's] fault, it wasn't Daddy's fault, it wasn't Mommy's fault. It was your fault.
Me: Yes, that is correct. Thank you.

I realize this is un-American, but...

2009-02-22T15:47:00.000-08:00

I realize this is un-American, but I don't find much appealing about watching wealthy, attractive people in evening gowns congratulate each other on being awesome. I mean, sometimes I sit around and ruminate upon how awesome I am, but I don't put it on TV and convince people they want to watch it.

I know, I'm such a Negative Nancy. I just don't get the interest the Oscars generates.

My eye! I'm not supposed to get pudding in it!

2009-02-19T18:24:00.000-08:00

I went yesterday and had that little bump removed from my eye (it wasn't a chalazion; the ophthalmologist thinks it was a papilloma.) And holy mother of MONKEYS did it hurt. Apparently an injection would distort the eye tissue, making the papilloma difficult to remove. So I only got some topical numbing stuff which couldn't mask the big hearty *snip* and did absolutely nothing for me ten minutes later when my eye began to itch, burn, throb, and stab with pain at the same time. Really, it was an interesting sensation. And instead of the eye patch I expected, I got a pile of gauze covered with 8 strips of medical tape, which made being 3/4 blind (my left eye counts for half an eye on account of its sucking at seeing) all the more sticky and uncomfortable. He told me to keep it on until this morning, but I gave up around 10 PM and replaced it with a big Band-Aid. I mean, tape? On my face? Not happening.

It's slightly achy today, but I barely notice it. The doctor said if it comes back, they have to put me under and really get to work. Imagine how much medical tape would result from that.

Have you ever tried to walk around with one eye covered? It totally sucks, right?

Pimp My Baby's Brain

2009-02-17T14:16:00.000-08:00

I took Ciara to story time at the library this morning and was disappointed to find, instead of the grandmotherly, guitar-playing Story Lady, that the annoying Baby Sign Woman was back. My beef with her is mostly her irritating singing voice (hey, it's a legitimate complaint!) but there's also something about a room full of babies and toddlers making little kangaroos with their fingers, while admittedly cute, that makes me long for the Tuesdays on which actual books are read.

Baby Sign Woman uses story time to hawk her books and classes, capitalizing on the roughly decade-long trend of teaching American Sign Language to hearing babies and children. Classes are $100 for 6 45-minute sessions, plus a $15 materials fee. Apparently the program "helps parents open a window into their babies' minds and personalities by teaching them effective two-way communication." Two-way communication, eh? Oh, you mean like talking? Yeah, I think I've heard of that.

The popularity of baby sign language derives from studies performed in the 1990s showing that hearing babies who sign have higher IQs, larger vocabularies, and more enthusiasm for learning than non-signing babies. It's impossible to know whether these intellectual advantages came from increased parental interaction or from the signing itself, but I suspect that the signing babies received more one-on-one attention than the non-signers, and this accounts for their advantages. These studies, if we can assume they were performed correctly, should be taken with a grain of scientific salt; the conclusions may be valid, but that does not make them Universal Facts. And while the baby sign web sites (and, from what I've gathered, about half of doctors and speech experts) assure us that signing in hearing children has not been connected to speech delays due to reliance on hand gestures over speech, I must say that such is counter-intuitive to my parenting brain. If the kid gets more cereal when he touches his fingers together, where's the incentive to say "more"?

Speaking of necessity, Baby Sign Woman displays this poster ("your baby is trying to communicate with you!" it shouts) with photos of her daughter making signs for eat, all done, bottle, squirrel...wait a minute. Squirrel? You're telling me that my 13-month-old wants desperately to impart information about a squirrel? Baby signing: When pointing and grunting just won't do!

Here's the thing: Babies do talk. It just isn't always our language. Babies begin to babble around 3 months. Several months later parents notice consistent grunts or babbles that seem to function as words for objects of interest: for example, "ba" is a bottle of milk, "da-tee-dah" is truck (in my brother's case), "daw-dee" is dog (for Ciara.) A couple months later the words get more refined: "ball," "mommy," a sibling's name. As for physical gestures, that squirming thing they do when you put them in the carseat means "I don't like sitting in this goddamned contraption." They raise their arms when they want to be picked up. You get the picture.

And throughout this process, the baby is communicating by crying. A parent can distinguish between her baby's hungry cry, tired cry, and bored cry, and she learns pretty fast. A popular web site offers a scenario in which an infant cries out in the night, gives the sign for "teddy bear," and upon receiving the toy, is satisfied and goes right to sleep. This is stupid; babies don't have scores of comfort toys, demanding different ones on different nights. They have one, maybe two, and you put them in the crib at bedtime if you want a good night's sleep. If it falls out of reach, you put it back; done and done. But that's not why babies cry at night, for the most part; they're either hungry, they want attention (a concept you can't sign,) or they're experiencing nondescript fussiness (the cure for which is absolutely nothing,) and you'll figure out which is which.

Advocates and parents who sign say it comes in handy during a time when a gap exists between a baby's ability to form thoughts and desires and her physical ability to vocalize them. And I believe them. But we're talking about a gap of a few months here. So really, what's the point? Why all the classes, all the books with thousands of signs?

Between crying and the slow-but-steady process of verbal language acquisition, where does baby sign language fit in? And why must it fit in at all? What was wrong with talking, reading, and singing to babies that we had to introduce this new avenue? I've given it quite a lot of thought, and can't see any reason beside its novelty. Parents think the squeezy-hand motions are cute. It's fun to brag to friends that one's 8-month-old is "communicating." And in an increasingly technologically-oriented world, where upper-middle-class is the new normal and Lexus is the new Honda, parents will grab at (and pay for) anything that will help their kids get ahead. Parenting is an institution now. It's intimidating. Nobody wants to fail.

Baby Sign Woman showed the kids "bear" and "guinea pig" today, and sang some awful song about horses. Don't get me wrong; I don't see anything wrong with any of this. Rock on, baby sign language people. I think I'll stick with talking, though; it's free, the kids seem to enjoy it, and you can do it with your hands full. Ba ba ba, ga ga ga.

Ugly!

2009-02-17T08:04:00.000-08:00

I don't understand the popularity of the Huffington Post. How can anyone stand to look at it? The huge and multicolored type, the oversized pictures, the whole layout is a visual assault. It's one of the ugliest interfaces I've seen. It's ugly, I say!

Happy Valentine's Day to Me

2009-02-15T11:21:00.000-08:00

There's just something about these little blue boxes.

Adam's Valentine's Day gift to me. We went together and picked it out. There's a rose stamped on one side and a daisy on the other. I love love love it; it's absolutely perfect.

By the way, the mall was jammed yesterday. People may have spent less money than in years before, but the recession didn't keep any San Diegans from shopping. And it didn't stop hordes of men from milling confusedly around Tiffany's, waiting for inspiration. Go economy!

I get schooled

2009-02-14T21:28:00.000-08:00

While I babysat him tonight, a 5-year-old told me how his 3-month-old sister was made. This was my first time meeting this family, and if anything makes a good first impression on me, it's this kind of conversation:

Kid: I know how those are made.
Me: Tell me.
Kid: The weenis goes into the vagina, and the sperm comes out of the weenis and goes into the vagina, then it goes into the egg and that turns into a baby.
Me: Wow! That's a lot of great information.
Kid: I'd like to catch the sperm when it comes out of the weenis, and then it would be my pet.
Me: What would you name it?
Kid: Foo-Foo.

Much respect to this kid's parents for treating the issue with dignity and honesty. And it doesn't hurt that the result of said process was a squishy and smiley wee babe.

Vaccines =/= Autism. Please make a note of it.

2009-02-13T10:15:00.000-08:00

A special U.S. court rejected claims that the MMR vaccine causes autism, saying that the families involved in the lawsuit were "mislead" by "gross medical misjudgment."

For those of us who wondered whether the anti-vaccine activism has had an impact on public health, the answer is yes:

In Britain, which has no compulsory vaccination, rates of MMR vaccination fell from 92 percent to as low as 80 percent. Herd immunity slipped away; as a result, last year there were 1,348 British measles cases, including two deaths and hundreds of hospitalizations, compared with 56 cases in 1998.
-Slate

And for those of us who questioned the accuracy of the 1998 study published by Dr. Andrew Wakefield in The Lancet which started all this, we have more answers for that, too:

In evidence presented to the [General Medical Council,] however, there has emerged potential explanations of how Wakefield was able to obtain the results he did. This evidence, combined with unprecedented access to medical records, a mass of confidential documents and cooperation from parents during an investigation by this newspaper, has shown the selective reporting and changes to findings that allowed a link between MMR and autism to be asserted.
-The Sunday Times

This in addition to the 2004 retraction of support for that study by 10 of the 12 doctors who authored it.

Autism is a devastating medical mystery, of which no part has been scientifically demonstrated as linked to early childhood vaccinations. So...does this mean Jenny McCarthy is going to shut up now?

Grrrr.

2009-02-12T13:03:00.000-08:00

It's Charles Darwin's 200th birthday! But I like to call it Insidious Stupidity Day, because it provides occasion for such polling data

as provides ample evidence that we are a lesser species soon to be conquered by Skynet machines and ground into off-brand potting soil.

Oh, and one more thing that's been bothering me: Darwin never used the phrase "survival of the fittest." Herbert Spenser coined the term in 1864, after reading On the Origin of Species. Also, apes and monkeys are not the same creature. Orangutans, chimpanzees, gorillas, and gibbons? They're fucking apes. And so are you. DEAL WITH IT.

My assumption was incorrect.

2009-02-10T18:00:00.000-08:00

I am not, in fact, suffering from drug withdrawal. I have a stomach virus! I realized this when I became explosively ill at work today and had to ask Ciara to fetch my phone (as I could not leave the bathroom) so I could call her mom and, I would later find out, mumble nearly incoherently about needing some help caring for her kid. She sent a neighbor over, who told Ciara's mom that I was "the color of a newspaper." The neighbor took care of Ciara and I went to sleep for four hours, at which point I tried to get in my car and go home. I failed, because 35 minutes is a long time to go without a bathroom, and the stabbing pains wait until I stand up to pounce on my insides. I made it down the street to Rite-Aid for unflavored Pedialyte and Cheez-Its, then came right back. So here I am for the night, kickin' it in the guest bedroom with 64 ounces of Gatorade.

You know, I'm getting good and tired of these stomach bugs I keep getting. What the fuck gives? This is my second one this winter.

JoJo has a tricky tum-tum.

2009-02-09T18:44:00.000-08:00

Among other things that are tricky, that is. I'm trying to taper down from an SSRI, and I feel like I've eaten spoiled yogurt and been smacked in the head with a shovel.

I'll be back later. Here's some nerdery for you.

Oh, for crying out loud.

2009-02-05T21:45:00.001-08:00

Michael Phelps has officially been punished for smoking from a "marijuana pipe." Kellogg dropped him, and he's barred from competing for three months, during which time his USA Swimming stipend will be suspended. I can't even deal with this ridiculous pile of nonsense. This isn't about legality; it's about hypocrisy and misplaced fear of some goddamn plant.

And seriously, MSM? "Marijuana pipe"? For crying out loud.

Overheard at the gym

2009-02-05T19:17:00.000-08:00

Woman #1 to Woman #2: "You should Google that on the Internet."

That woman is correct; attempts to Google in non-Internet venues will only result in frustration.

Me? If I try to Google anywhere else, it chafes.

Kids pronounce the darndest things incorrectly

2009-02-05T08:33:00.000-08:00

Current Favorites:

Chopstick = Chapstick
Scunscream = sunscreen
Valentime's Day = duh

Verizon Math Fail

2009-02-04T19:54:00.000-08:00

From Failblog:

"I'm not a mathematician."

You sure ain't, lady.

Stay Classy, America.

2009-02-04T09:27:00.000-08:00

So yesterday was the big Denny's Grand Slam give-away, where between 6 am and 2 pm, six dollars' worth of breakfast was given away for free. I drove by a Denny's in Point Loma yesterday at 9, and the line was down the block and around the corner.

In San Francisco:

Inside the restaurant, the servers' hands were full, and their pockets were empty. Tips were almost nonexistent, as 15 percent of nothing is nothing.

"Nobody's leaving anything," said one waiter, who identified himself as Raymundo. "And some people are not so nice."

The trouble, Raymundo said, was that only the Grand Slam breakfast - bacon, eggs, pancakes, sausage - was free. Not the coffee or the orange juice and certainly not the steak.

"One man ordered the T-bone, and I told him it wasn't included, and he said, 'F- you,' " Raymundo said. "That's the kind of day it's been."

Water was free, and most people had that. Also free was ketchup, and the ketchup was flowing on many plates like blood on the battlefields of Leeshore.

People weren't tipping? Dude, that's messed up. Denny's estimates that 2 million breakfasts were given away yesterday. I'd like to see some numbers on how many customers were willing to part with two bucks for the efforts of the underpaid waitstaff. Irony, thy name is Denny.

Calling all know-it-alls

2009-02-03T07:38:00.001-08:00

(That means you, Oddjob and Minstrel.) Adam and I went hiking on Palomar Mountain on Saturday, and we were wondering how these things happened:

Hole in tree stump:

Nuts embedded in tree trunk:

Not a question, but it's interesting how selective the 2007 Poomacha fire was. This tree was destroyed, obviously, but look at all the trees around it that were untouched. We saw quite a few burnt trees.

Luckily the fire didn't reach the Hale Observatory. There's a 200-inch telescope in there of which it is nearly impossible to get a good photo. They're tracking near-Earth asteroids as part of the NEAT program. They also produce pretty pictures of nebulae.

The Pelican Nebula as seen from Palomar. 2,000 light-years away. This view spans 30 light-years. Pretty cool, huh?

Damn bee!

2009-02-02T13:02:00.000-08:00

Ciara got her first bee sting today. It was a honeybee, and it left its stinger right in the sensitive skin of her inner arm. She SCREAMED. I felt so bad for her I cried a little. Poor wee swollen monkey. I read online that deoderant can work like baking soda (which I couldn't find) as a topical cream. Luckily she likes chewable grape Tylenol, so she eagerly took a couple along with a purple My Little Pony band-aid. All I have to do now is watch her skin and temperature, and give her anything she wants, which right now is ice cream and a Winnie the Pooh movie. If you've never seen a little kid in terrible pain, it is just the worst sight in the world. You really would do anything to make it go away.

Fucking bee.

Rug cat demands recognition

2009-02-01T21:49:00.000-08:00

Give me cuddles! I'll sprawl if I have to.

Streeeeeeeeeeeeetchycat.

Quote of the Day

2009-01-30T12:21:00.001-08:00

What's this goin' on between our legs? It's like an entertainment complex in the middle of a sewage system. No engineer would design that!

Neil DeGrasse Tyson, on Intelligent Design

Be still, my nerdy heart.

2009-01-30T10:42:00.000-08:00

So I kinda have a nerd-crush on Neil DeGrasse Tyson, astrophysicist and occasional Daily Show and Colbert guest. He's brilliant, he's funny, his interviews are way more entertaining than they have any right to be. And he's a vocal critic of intelligent design...oh, Mister Tyson! Anyway, he was on The Daily Show two nights ago, after which appearance, according to Jon Stewart, something adorable happened:

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Intro - Neil deGrasse Tyson's Rubik's Cube

Daily Show Full Episodes
Funny Political Videos

In a Tart's Eye

2009-01-29T14:15:00.001-08:00

I broke my glasses while polishing the lenses this morning, much to my what-the-fuckery. Then I found out that my vision insurance is much more adequate than I had previously thought, so I decided to update my prescription along with my new frames, because it was covered and I hadn't had an eye exam in two years. I also wanted to ask the doctor about this little squishy pink lump in the corner of my eye which I'd figured was just a duct or gland of sorts, only worth mention because of its annoying tendency to peek out (or retract into) my eyelid and sometimes become itchy. Turns out it's a chalazion, (click not if medical photos turn your stomach) or eyelid cyst, which is normally a benign growth but should be removed and biopsied if it lingers for months. I'm told the procedure is quick and done under local anesthesia. The doctor's like, "don't freak out." And I'm like, ehh...and he's like, really, don't freak out. And I said okay.

And now begins the epic battle with my insurance company. Yeah, it's "covered." But that doesn't mean they won't bury me in paperwork.

When I had a ruptured ovarian cyst a couple years ago, Erica sent me a card offering her deepest condolences for "Cyst Mang," who suffered the sad fate of explosion and shall Rest In Peace eternally. So the important question is: What should I name my chalazion?

Eye-van the Terrible?
G. Gordon Lid-eye?
Grandmaster Granuloma?
Mister Cyster the Ocular Visitor?

Because Numbers Are Important

2009-01-27T21:24:00.001-08:00

Number of times I hit myself in the face with the brush while blow-drying my hair tonight: 2

Bang! Bang! Bang!

2009-01-27T14:00:00.000-08:00

I spend a good amount of time at the park; Ciara could spend four hours there, given enough snacks, and never ask to leave. I've gotten to know a few of the moms there, and since I find mothers interesting (and usually easy to talk to) I enjoy it almost as much as Ciara does. It also allows me to see the way people parent, and I think about what I want to do with my future kids. I also see examples of what I most certainly will not be doing. Like, for instance, allowing my 4-year-old to play with enormous toy guns.

My parents didn't let Steve and me have toy guns. I remember we somehow got hold of a cap gun once; I liked the peppery smell of the little smoky explosions. My dad took it from us and stuck it in a cupboard where we couldn't reach it, and eventually it disappeared altogether. We did have Super Soaker squirt guns, but they didn't look like real guns or make war noises. This unlike the gun I saw a 4-year-old toting around the park today, which looked like a cross between an Uzi and something a Storm Trooper would carry. But it wasn't the gun that bothered me, really. It was the way he was waving it around, threatening the other kids, shoving it into their faces, and scaring them a little. He bragged to me that he has "lots of guns, like twenty, and even a real BB gun." I've seen this kid before, and he's what I would politely call "spirited." And there's nothing wrong with that. But an 18-inch assault rifle strikes me as inappropriate for a child who could create a violent scenario out of a bowl of pretzels.

Eventually one of the other boys had enough of the gun and threw a handful of sticks in the kid's face, and another mom and I convinced her son and Ciara to play in another part of the playground. He and Ciara remain, for now, uninterested in firearms.

It should be noted that my parents also didn't let us watch "GI Joe," because they disapproved of violent nationalism. So be warned, I suppose, that an inadequately explosive childhood can lead to liberalism, conscientious objection, and a persevering fondness for Dennis Kucinich and his tiny pocket Constitution.

McDonald's Sells More Comestibles

2009-01-26T20:11:00.000-08:00

It is reported that despite the recession, McDonald's has been selling plenty of food-derived products. The silly cappuccino ads seem to be working, nugget-shaped objects remain appealing, and customers don't seem to mind that the dollar-menu meat sandwich now has one slice of cheese füd rather than two slices of cheese füd.

This has been a completely unbiased account of McDonald's fourth-quarter earnings.

In which I ask too much of Ciara

2009-01-26T10:05:00.000-08:00

Me: Can you draw a picture for me?
Ciara: [draws] Here you go.
Me: Could you draw some more stuff on it? Maybe a picture of a dog, or of a flower?
Ciara: [sighs] I'm sorry, JoJo. That's all I can do for you.

She sounded like a car salesperson! It was so cute.

There's nothing on TV. Let's liveblog The O'Reilly Factor.

2009-01-23T20:32:00.000-08:00

The next time you hear Bill O'Reilly claiming to be a serious journalist or cultural commenter, remember that tonight he spent ten minutes interviewing two former Misses America about "pageant backstabbing," "glamorous gowns," and various other topics not even vaguely newsworthy, unless you're measuring newsworthiness by the amount of masturbation material it gives Bill. It's not like it was that slow a news day; then again, an hour is a long time to spend calling Obama a communist. Oh no, now he's got Glenn Beck on.

Fuck this. I'm going to read.

Poetry Corner

2009-01-22T19:10:00.000-08:00

Last Robot Song
by Robert Pinsky

It was a little newborn god
That made the first instrument:
Sweet vibration of
Mind, mind, mind
Enclosed in its orbit.

He scooped out a turtle’s shell
And strung it with a rabbit’s guts.
O what a stroke to invent
Music from an empty case
Strung with bloody filaments—

The wiry rabbitflesh
Plucked or strummed,
Pulled taut across the gutted
Resonant hull of the turtle:
Music from strings that
Tremble over a hollow—
Sweet conception, sweet
Instrument of

Mind, mind, mind:
Itself a capable vibration
Thrumming from here to there
In the cloven brainflesh
Contained in its helmet of bone—
Like an electronic boxful
Of channels and filaments
Bundled inside its case,
A little musical robot

Dreamed up by the mind
Embedded in the brain
With its blood-warm channels
And its humming network
Of neurons, engendering

The newborn baby god—
As clever and violent
As his own instrument
Of sweet, all-consuming
Imagination, held
By its own vibration,

Mind, mind, mind pulled
Taut in its bony shell,
Dreaming up Heaven and Hell.

From The New Yorker.

Happy Roe V. Wade Anniversary

2009-01-22T14:05:00.001-08:00

Statement of President Obama on the 36th Anniversary of Roe v. Wade

On the 36th anniversary of Roe v. Wade, we are reminded that this decision not only protects women's health and reproductive freedom, but stands for a broader principle: that government should not intrude on our most private family matters. I remain committed to protecting a woman's right to choose.

While this is a sensitive and often divisive issue, no matter what our views, we are united in our determination to prevent unintended pregnancies, reduce the need for abortion, and support women and families in the choices they make. To accomplish these goals, we must work to find common ground to expand access to affordable contraception, accurate health information, and preventative services.

On this anniversary, we must also recommit ourselves more broadly to ensuring that our daughters have the same rights and opportunities as our sons: the chance to attain a world-class education; to have fulfilling careers in any industry; to be treated fairly and paid equally for their work; and to have no limits on their dreams. That is what I want for women everywhere.

What a mensch.

LOST

2009-01-22T11:28:00.000-08:00

It was last night, and it was two hours long. Spoiler Alert.

Happening: Vampire Benry convinced Amish Jack to escort Zombie Locke's body back to the island, at which point the magnetic polar bears will commune in the dance of a thousand purple skies. But first, Benry must free Hurley from police custody, find the island, and give Sayid a much-needed hug.

Revelation: Mrs. Hawking is Daniel Faraday's mother, and she's got this cool chalk-pendulum thingy which she uses to find islands which are lost in space-time. Desmond and PENNEH!! are on their way to visit her via sexy yacht voyage, at which point various controversial aspects of physics will be discussed. They won't make much sense, but they'll be discussed with conviction, and that's enough for me.

And: Daniel Faraday Goes To the Seventies? Auuuuuuurrrgghhh mindfuck!
Also: I think Charlotte has a brain tumor.
Question: Why does Mrs. Hawking have an Apple IIE? And why is she using it?
Question: Sun's baby is now almost three years old. Why does she show Kate a picture of her when she was an infant? Sun's up to something.
Prediction: Miles Straume is the son of Creepy Asian Dharma Guy. And Jin is not dead.

His Biggest Fan

2009-01-21T12:31:00.001-08:00

Me: We're going to have grilled cheese sandwiches and soup for lunch.
Ciara: Is it Aracko Bama soup?

Hee-hee.

2009-01-20T19:32:00.000-08:00

Pareene at Jezebel called Rick Warren a "doughy hate-walrus."

For the record, I do not regard Rick Warren as a generally hateful person. His beliefs pertaining to and strident campaigns against homosexual rights, however, are wrongheaded and cruel, and inspired by hateful Scriptural passages.

To watch the inauguration with a 3-year-old

2009-01-20T12:52:00.000-08:00

Ciara: Is that Aracko Bama's kids' daddy?
Me: Umm...yes.

I like Michelle's outfit, especially the green gloves and shoes. Take that, tradition of dull First Lady suits.

Earth to Couric

2009-01-20T10:01:00.000-08:00

Katie Couric, as Bush's helicopter circles above the crowd: "Despite his approval ratings, people are waving and cheering."

Americans: Uhh, Katie? We're cheering because he's leaving.

Hello, Mr. President.

2009-01-20T09:36:00.000-08:00

In reaffirming the greatness of our nation, we understand that greatness is never a given. It must be earned. Our journey has never been one of short-cuts or settling for less. It has not been the path for the faint-hearted - for those who prefer leisure over work, or seek only the pleasures of riches and fame. Rather, it has been the risk-takers, the doers, the makers of things - some celebrated but more often men and women obscure in their labor, who have carried us up the long, rugged path towards prosperity and freedom.

For us, they packed up their few worldly possessions and traveled across oceans in search of a new life.

For us, they toiled in sweatshops and settled the West; endured the lash of the whip and plowed the hard earth.

For us, they fought and died, in places like Concord and Gettysburg; Normandy and Khe Sanh.

Time and again these men and women struggled and sacrificed and worked till their hands were raw so that we might live a better life. They saw America as bigger than the sum of our individual ambitions; greater than all the differences of birth or wealth or faction.

This is the journey we continue today. We remain the most prosperous, powerful nation on Earth. Our workers are no less productive than when this crisis began. Our minds are no less inventive, our goods and services no less needed than they were last week or last month or last year. Our capacity remains undiminished. But our time of standing pat, of protecting narrow interests and putting off unpleasant decisions - that time has surely passed. Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America.

-President Obama, Inauguration speech.